Roleplay Workshop

Akugaranwa Itachi
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#61

Post by Akugaranwa Itachi » Wed Aug 28, 2019 3:36 am

Name: Arthur Dayne and Ethririll Pheles
Division: 2nd Division and 13th Division
Type: Spar
Link: [Here]
word count: 16
For I am Supreme
Akugaranwa Itachi
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User Title: Black Flash

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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#62

Post by Akugaranwa Itachi » Fri Aug 30, 2019 12:46 pm

Can someone please review the above?
word count: 6
For I am Supreme
Akugaranwa Itachi
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#63

Post by Akugaranwa Itachi » Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:30 pm

Name: Arthur Dayne and Ethririll Pheles
Division: 2nd Division and 13th Division
Type: Spar
Link: [Here]
word count: 16
For I am Supreme
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Fluxarc
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#64

Post by Fluxarc » Wed Sep 11, 2019 5:23 pm


So, this particular story started out as a one-parter, but I decided to split it down the middle for more easy reviewing. In the event it seems incomplete, that's because I'm hard at work on the second bit. Should be up soon.

Name: Kara Masters
Division: Second
Type: Solo RP/ Story Mission
Link: The Aegian Saga, Kara - Red Dawn Pt. 1

Okay, review me ... :p


word count: 68
THE CHRONICLES OF KARA
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Fluxarc
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#65

Post by Fluxarc » Wed Sep 25, 2019 11:34 pm

Oka-aaaaaaaaayyyyy

So.

No takers...

... Really?
word count: 6
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Aegis Raiu
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#66

Post by Aegis Raiu » Thu Sep 26, 2019 1:47 am

Akugaranwa Itachi wrote:
Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:30 pm
Name: Arthur Dayne and Ethririll Pheles
Division: 2nd Division and 13th Division
Type: Spar
Link: [Here]
I'll be handling this, man's been a bit occupied but will get straight to it, and if Flux's work isn't taken by then I'll have it too.
word count: 58
PhoenixDayne
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#67

Post by PhoenixDayne » Thu Sep 26, 2019 5:51 am

Fluxarc wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 5:23 pm

So, this particular story started out as a one-parter, but I decided to split it down the middle for more easy reviewing. In the event it seems incomplete, that's because I'm hard at work on the second bit. Should be up soon.

Name: Kara Masters
Division: Second
Type: Solo RP/ Story Mission
Link: The Aegian Saga, Kara - Red Dawn Pt. 1

Okay, review me ... :p


Allow me.
Though it won't be fast, i haven't responded to some posts.
word count: 92

Spirited away, One strides on the axis of death and alongside despair. Knowledge isn't finite, Our limit is Us.
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Nilgathor
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#68

Post by Nilgathor » Thu Sep 26, 2019 8:18 am


Right, done with this. So anyone free should help me review this. Thank you...

Name: Ethririel Quel'shu Pheles
Division: Thirteenth
Type: Solo Mission
Link: [Misssion: Crushing] I Met a Widow.


word count: 31
Ethririel Quel'shu Pheles
-for when they cry peace and safety, sudden destruction will come
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Fluxarc
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#69

Post by Fluxarc » Sun Sep 29, 2019 6:07 pm

Nilgathor wrote:
Thu Sep 26, 2019 8:18 am

Right, done with this. So anyone free should help me review this. Thank you...

Name: Ethririel Quel'shu Pheles
Division: Thirteenth
Type: Solo Mission
Link: [Misssion: Crushing] I Met a Widow.


Okay, I've got this one. Now ... *twitches mustachio and wiggles brows* ... Shall we, Herr Nilgathor?
word count: 56
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#70

Post by Fluxarc » Sun Sep 29, 2019 6:28 pm

Nilgathor wrote:
Thu Sep 26, 2019 8:18 am

Right, done with this. So anyone free should help me review this. Thank you...

Name: Ethririel Quel'shu Pheles
Division: Thirteenth
Type: Solo Mission
Link: [Misssion: Crushing] I Met a Widow.



MISSION REVIEW - [ETHRIRIEL QUEL'SHU PHELES] I MET A WIDOW

Length
This was a good length. Personally thought a few paragraphs could have been put down to flesh out the Quarrelsome Quartet - Marissa, Hayate, Bridget and Tanya- as well as delving a little into the war or battle going on in the human world. That said, these omissions didn't really take away from the pace of the story.

Word Organization & presentation.
Okay, first off, the dialogue immediately pulled me in, and I fell in love with Bridget almost instantly. I really hope she and her gang will be part of Ethririll's story going forward. Excellent character work overall, with virtually every personality fully formed and well written. I did find it odd you didn't state the location the story was taking place. There was a war going on, but where? The Middle East? Eastern Europe? Pluto? I find locations important. Again, not a deal breaker, just a loose screw... rattling about. Those can be annoying, yes? Word play was wicked at times, and at times ... a little hard to follow.

Storyline Creativity & Power play.
I found little correlation between the title of the story and the actual narrative. But then, maybe I'm just dense. Also, I found that at certain points, you tended to make odd narrative choices to get your character out of situations or just move the story along. One second she's fighting the Jolly Mind-Controlled Giant, next she's whooshed past everyone and is taking her soul slayer out of a cabinet. Also, it seemed a little odd that Ethririll would just let Marissa and her gang go after discovering them messing with death gods, hollows, and really tight clothes... errr, that last one, forget I mentioned it ...

The power play was on-point for the most part, though its weird (there's that word again) that Ethriril was able to fight off a narcotic when none of her powers seem related to controlling her biology, and she isn't- to the best of my knowledge- a member of the 4th division. Does she have some special training ...?

In Conclusion
Honestly, I found myself way more into the villains here. Marissa, Bridget, Hayate and Tanya are awesome characters, and I really, really hope they pop up a lot in future stories. Make it happen, man. ;).
Great story, cool fights, awesome characters. Couple of screws rolling about, couple of weird narrative choices, and a kind of what-the-heck ending. But, overall, this was cool.


Mission Grade: "B" = 3 CBS points.
Pls. Update all required records as soon as possible
word count: 478
THE CHRONICLES OF KARA
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Nilgathor
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Re: Roleplay Workshop

#71

Post by Nilgathor » Sun Sep 29, 2019 11:22 pm

Fluxarc wrote:
Sun Sep 29, 2019 6:28 pm

MISSION REVIEW - [ETHRIRIEL QUEL'SHU PHELES] I MET A WIDOW

Length
This was a good length. Personally thought a few paragraphs could have been put down to flesh out the Quarrelsome Quartet - Marissa, Hayate, Bridget and Tanya- as well as delving a little into the war or battle going on in the human world. That said, these omissions didn't really take away from the pace of the story.

Word Organization & presentation.
Okay, first off, the dialogue immediately pulled me in, and I fell in love with Bridget almost instantly. I really hope she and her gang will be part of Ethririll's story going forward. Excellent character work overall, with virtually every personality fully formed and well written. I did find it odd you didn't state the location the story was taking place. There was a war going on, but where? The Middle East? Eastern Europe? Pluto? I find locations important. Again, not a deal breaker, just a loose screw... rattling about. Those can be annoying, yes? Word play was wicked at times, and at times ... a little hard to follow.

Storyline Creativity & Power play.
I found little correlation between the title of the story and the actual narrative. But then, maybe I'm just dense. Also, I found that at certain points, you tended to make odd narrative choices to get your character out of situations or just move the story along. One second she's fighting the Jolly Mind-Controlled Giant, next she's whooshed past everyone and is taking her soul slayer out of a cabinet. Also, it seemed a little odd that Ethririll would just let Marissa and her gang go after discovering them messing with death gods, hollows, and really tight clothes... errr, that last one, forget I mentioned it ...

The power play was on-point for the most part, though its weird (there's that word again) that Ethriril was able to fight off a narcotic when none of her powers seem related to controlling her biology, and she isn't- to the best of my knowledge- a member of the 4th division. Does she have some special training ...?

In Conclusion
Honestly, I found myself way more into the villains here. Marissa, Bridget, Hayate and Tanya are awesome characters, and I really, really hope they pop up a lot in future stories. Make it happen, man. ;).
Great story, cool fights, awesome characters. Couple of screws rolling about, couple of weird narrative choices, and a kind of what-the-heck ending. But, overall, this was cool.


Mission Grade: "B" = 3 CBS points.
Pls. Update all required records as soon as possible
Thanks Flux-san...

Just to clarify, the title is related to my Shikai whose name translate to "Despotic Widow". And for the narcotics, my bad for not explaining properly, I messed up there. But as humans, their drugs only work below the 6th seat. So as 4th seat, she's immune if she only wills it with some effort.

And yeah, I accept the blame on the other screws... I got lazy at the end #shrugs.
word count: 523
Ethririel Quel'shu Pheles
-for when they cry peace and safety, sudden destruction will come
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Aegis Raiu
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Roleplay Workshop

#72

Post by Aegis Raiu » Thu Oct 10, 2019 7:59 am

Akugaranwa Itachi wrote:
Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:30 pm
Name: Arthur Dayne and Ethririll Pheles
Division: 2nd Division and 13th Division
Type: Spar
Link: [Here]
「Review」
Considering this was closer to a mission where you both come into contact to discuss about the mysteries of your master's zanpakuto than a full fledged spar, I would refrain from going into full detail and treat it as such.

What I loved was the ebb and flow of the confrontation especially from the recruit, Nilgathor. Her knowledge of the power gap between them and her applaudible tactics to even the battleground by talking the vice captain into suppressing his capabilities enough for her to physically interact with him. Doing well to avoid godmoding in such a situation and showcasing brilliant writing skills.

My complaint however, was the bizarrely short word count responses from the both of you, which felt as though you weren't even trying to add effort, seeing as most of your posts had less than 300 word counts. Try to improve on that.

Generally, there were little to no godmode sequences and the short fight time was still intense, nice work from both of you.

CBS Awards:

• Both participants are entitled to 2 CBS points for hitting the 25 posts count.

• 1 CBS point have been allocated to each participant for performance in general.

That sums a total of 3 CBS points for @Akugaranwa Itachi and @Nilgathor
word count: 239
PhoenixDayne
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Roleplay Workshop

#73

Post by PhoenixDayne » Sun Oct 13, 2019 4:38 am

Fluxarc wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 5:23 pm

So, this particular story started out as a one-parter, but I decided to split it down the middle for more easy reviewing. In the event it seems incomplete, that's because I'm hard at work on the second bit. Should be up soon.

Name: Kara Masters
Division: Second
Type: Solo RP/ Story Mission
Link: The Aegian Saga, Kara - Red Dawn Pt. 1

Okay, review me ... :p


REVIEW - The Aegian Saga, Kara - Red Dawn Pt. 1

Start Off : First off, the pictorial design had a grip on me. The neatness and how you dealt on time itself allowed me to have a sound reading. I'd easily tell this didn't occur this moment and whatnot. Your descriptiveness, it has always been one of your strong point and now, the names of characters that seems to have Indian/Egyptian origin. I can't start explaining how movie-like the breaching felt. It felt real and genuine.
Hol' up. Tayatra is a shinigami, right? "Sai"
"Sai"
"Sai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

LENGTH & Description :
Tbh. It was unbelievably exhausting when I saw the 10800WC. I thought how could I finish this? But oddly enough, once I started reading it, I lost track of time. Totally engrossed by the depth and descriptiveness of this story. It was totally an amazing read and if I were to rate it, I'd give it a sound 9/10. Almost everything was covered but then, I'm wondering what race Tayatra was since she used a Kidō and still had dealings with hueco mundo.

Word Organization & Presentation;
Everything was explained, the locations were neatly written. I'm lost for words to explain how this went. You covered all locations you introduced and didn't leave anything unexplained. I'm pretty much looking forward to Tayatra's crew and Scythe, PARIA and The Child Of Ambrosia and Ambrosia itself.

Everything was awesome, fr. But "Yara?"
Is that how Korran pronounces "Kara" or was it a mistake?

Laura! Waifu! A tsundere? Pretty much? And Aris! I particularly liked those two.
Powerplay was spot on. It had emotions and feelings, can be visualized easily.

Conclusion
This was definitely one hell of an awesome read. Nicely explained characters, interesting word use.
Everything had one or two unique elements to it.
Emotions? Fun? Action? I really did enjoy that breach mission. It didn't really introduce any of the villains this time around. Everyone appeared to be some sort of a hero in this one. In this case, I'm looking forward to the remaining parts.

and Hello. [2]
Is that mean the second part had been covered or?

Above all else. I really enjoyed it.

MISSION GRADE: "A" = 4 CBS POINTS
word count: 457

Spirited away, One strides on the axis of death and alongside despair. Knowledge isn't finite, Our limit is Us.
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Fluxarc
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Roleplay Workshop

#74

Post by Fluxarc » Fri Nov 22, 2019 2:40 am



@Pheonix - I never did thank you for the review. LOL, yeah, imagine what it was like to write. Still, I'm hard at work on the second part, which, if I stick the landing, should be even more explosive than Part 1. Oh, and villains ... there shall be villains ... :p



That said, I'm submitting our very long and sadly concluded Spar. Wish it could have gone on forever. Maybe we can pick up at some other time. Arc Three is an insane character I've been working on. ;)



Name - Kara Masters, AKUTAGAWA ATSUSHI
Division - 13th Division
Type - Spar
Link - No Frost Zone



word count: 103
THE CHRONICLES OF KARA
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