Mission & Spar Review Thread

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Phantom-T
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Re: Mission & Spar Review Thread

#21

Post by Phantom-T » Wed May 29, 2019 7:05 pm

konami31 wrote:
Wed May 01, 2019 7:55 am
Phantom-T wrote:
Mon Apr 01, 2019 3:38 am
  • Name of those involved: Younger Hazuki, Drax, Razor, Gandozy, Tsuki, Haruno, Takao, Dominic, Kaiser
  • Seat of those involved: All senior officer Class, apart from Kaiser captain class
  • Link to spar & mission: Time capsule- A tale of the past
  • Link to character profiles: None available
Mission Review:
Nice roleplay, your roleplay should be considered decent apart from a few mistakes in spellings, punctuations and in roleplay rules that I have to point out so that you will know learn from it in order to be a better roleplayer.
"Hazuki sensei........Hazuki sensei" another voice called out, pacing out from the 8th division mansion where he had rested before. "I’m down here Bumi, what’s the problem?" "Hazuki sensei the Hayami clan leader summons you, also the captain is back.

“The Captain?”

“Yeah and he want a word with you”.
Firstly, you didn’t properly describe the appearance of the owner of the blue lettered words, this is considered wrong and a major issue by rp standards. It would have been okay if the owner of the voice was concealed from the bystanders, but given the description, it was way clear that the person was out in the open and yet you failed to give a good description of how he looks like. This is considered wrong, though most rpers often makes such mistakes by neglecting to give detailed descriptions about irrelevant characters but I believe you won’t make such after this review.
Lord Kaiser”, a feminine voice called bowing down as the man carrying Dominic on his shoulder stepped in.
.
The female called Hydra, how does she look like? What is she wearing???????........ You tell me!
Your back Hazuki uttered moving up close a bit before taking a bow.
They are all out on a mission Hazuki quickly replied, rising his head to keep a steady eye on the captain. I see and you?
.
Who gave you that scroll he quickly replied causing Hazuki to recall the message he had for him. It’s from central 46 captain, they’ve summoned me for a mission and asked I give you this.
You repeatedly omitted punctuations such whenever a statement was uttered by a character so many times, though it may not be a major issue but repeated mistakes demands attention here. Thus, I had to point this out in the open.

To give a conclusion, the combat looked pretty nice though we didn’t get to see a lot from Hazuki himself due to the fact that other parties were at play here. However, this roleplay is slightly above average and due to the repeated errors and mistakes in your roleplay(which I had displayed above), I hereby award this a grade “B” with 3 cbs points.
Thanks boss, will keep those in mind.
Aegis Raiu wrote:
Mon Apr 15, 2019 2:20 pm
  • Name of those involved: Killy Lohr, General Kwang Li, Medea, Kingpin, Darius and Mei
  • Seat of those involved: Humans
  • Link to spar & mission: Scars
I would like to confirm, what's the status of this mission. Are you done with the review or is it still open for grabs?
word count: 543

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Hazuki Ryuga + Kin Ryuu || Like a shadow, I am and I am not
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konami31
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Re: Mission & Spar Review Thread

#22

Post by konami31 » Sat Jun 01, 2019 11:19 pm

@Phantom-T i will post a review of Aegis's solo by monday afternoon, i'm done with it.
word count: 19
At all eras and underneath the heavens, I'm the strongest
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konami31
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Re: Mission & Spar Review Thread

#23

Post by konami31 » Mon Jun 03, 2019 7:48 am

Aegis Raiu wrote:
Mon Apr 15, 2019 2:20 pm
  • Name of those involved: Killy Lohr, General Kwang Li, Medea, Kingpin, Darius and Mei
  • Seat of those involved: Humans
  • Link to spar & mission: Scars

Mission Review:
I must say that I did enjoy the kind of training system Darius laid down for his son, an iron Dad must surely beget an Iron son…. This seems to make the storyline interesting. However, there are some things that went wrong in your roleplay. For example;
Killy had been left at the entrance of the casino with a forged ID. 'May we see your ID sir?... said the bouncers, and he flipped it open for them. 'Alright, you may go in.' Sliding back his ID into his wallet and flipping it back into his black tuxedo, he looked all too real.
'Can I help you with anything boy?' Asked kingpin,
In the above words you didn’t give detailed description of the bouncers’s attire or facial appearance. In my opinion this is considered to be bad roleplay, it doesn’t matter whether the characters are relevant or not but as a roleplayer you have to make things well detailed, things or people that makes contact with the main character. The right questions would be; how did the kingpin looked like? did he have a tanned face with thin eyebrows? In fact, saying that Kingpin wore a white attire hardly described him(even if you displayed his pics). What about his bodyguards? What do they look like?. All this are major things you shouldn’t neglect in roleplaying.


Also, Killy had it way too easy ambushing an expert like Kingpin, it would have been better or considered okay if Killy’s stats or battle prowess was way higher than Kingpin but with the way Killy took him down seemed like a walk in the park. And note that this is an opponent that easily took down Killy in their first exchange.
Yelling while getting up on his feet with a bloodied face, Killy rushed and jumped on the man from behind, and stabbed him numerous times on the chest, and kept stabbing and even when kingpin was down he just kept stabbing until he mangled his face and body beyond recognition.
This is GM, although I expected you to use a good ambushing tactics or deception to divert Kingpin’s attention, probably by using a nearby tool or object in the environment or if you possess one so that you can use that as an advantage to surprise him and make him pay for turning his back on you but instead you did otherwise. A capable expert like the Kingpin should have seen your attack coming despite your cheap ambush.
Overall this would have been a wonderful roleplay but your mistakes gave you away and so you deserve a C grade with 2 CBS points. However, I see great improvement after this review if you can learn from the mistakes I pointed out.
Last edited by konami31 on Mon Jun 03, 2019 7:53 am, edited 2 times in total. word count: 500
At all eras and underneath the heavens, I'm the strongest
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