Asano wrote: ↑
Tue Aug 29, 2017 6:46 am
First, a deadly flaw: the shikai is unusable until all abilities are unlocked, because the stances that the first three depend on are contained in the fourth ability. Even moving them to the first slot would leave the flaw, because the shikai would still be unusable until the second ability was unlocked.
Second, the stances are merely stances. While a specific stance may be required to activate a specific variant of an ability, they are not, in themselves, a separate ability. They are conditions of the shikai's function, nothing more.
Move the descriptions of the stances to the shikai description and choose another ability, if you like. Or leave it with three if that suits your concept of this zanpakutou.
Third, lots of "it's" instead of "its". Auto(in)correct? Also other 's that should be s. Just so it looks nice.
Missing a word.
Ability: Hissatsu Ken: Suimei (必殺剣•水明, Certain Death Blade: Shimmering Water)
Descriptions: An attack designed for the sole purpose of cutting an enemy down. A result of any of the user’s slashing attacks done while calling out the word “Suimei”, a trail of hundreds of smaller slashing blades known as hakaze (刃風, blade wind) is generated user’s spiritual energy and follows the path of the user’s attack. Upon manifestation, the mass of small blades appears like sunlight reflecting off gentle waters.
This makes it a kidou-type attack and there is no mention of what its power level is, nor what power range it can be.
Or are we getting away from doing that? Because nothing in here has one. I could see it being the power of the user's zanjutsu or zanpakutou instead of a kidou equivalent, but .... New board, new rules? Fill me in.
From Yaten Shisei: Rather than flowing from the main blade, the Hakaze manifests from the ground when the user is slashing forward, from the behind the opponent when slashing from below, and from the opposite side when slashing from either the left or right.
However, the Hakaze only reaches as far as the user’s blade can (approx. 1.8m), except when striking from the back. In which case it can reach far enough to hit the target should they be in striking distance of the user.
Muddled. Does the opponent need to be within striking distance of the actual blade for all of them, or only when the ability attacks from behind? If for all, the distance restriction should be the main description, and just state the reach of Hakaze. Do the attacks from behind and sides also come from the ground, or out of the air? If all come from the ground, that also should be stated as part of a main description.
From Shinten Shisei: The Hakaze flows down from above the user and opponent almost like a rain of blades when executed. From this stance the blades are concentrated in a tighter area, making their potential to do harm significantly greater when done from this stance.
What is the area of this attack? By the description above, the user is within the area. Does he take damage or is he immune to it? What's its strength (if we're doing that)?
Cannot be used without first assuming a defined stance.
Put this in the general description of the ability or as the first item in the variant list.
Ability: Hissatsu Ken: Anbu Zangeki (必殺剣•暗部斬撃, Certain Death Blade: Dark side slashing)
From Yaten Shisei: The phantom hand manifests from the user’s projected shadow and slashed forward from whichever direction possible to make its attack.
'Projected" shadow? "Slashed forward" doesn't really mesh with "whatever direction."
From Shinten Shisei: The phantom hand manifests from behind the user and swings from wherever and however the user pleases.
"From" behind? Might be clearer if you deleted "from" because that almost makes it sound as if it's emerging from his back. Manifests at what range behind? Or if it is from his back, say so.
Ability: Hissatsu Ken: Chikyuu no Nikushimi Zangeki (必殺剣•地球斬撃の憎しみ, Certain Death Blade: Hatred of Earth Slash)
Again, give a strength or say we're not doing that anymore.
This technique can be used with out
a stance defined stance.
- In which case the effects will always be similar the effects produced when executed from Gyouten Shisei.
Put this in the general description of the ability or as the first item in the list. Given the stance requirements for all other variants, this should be a weaker version, not a similar one.
Ability: Uta no Ken (歌の剣, Blade song)
Each time the blade resonates (or has resonated) a unique mark known as Sen (閃, flash) appears on the blade.
Since this appears to include resonance in shikai (per Saigo no Uta), do a slight reword: "For each time the blade resonates, or has resonated, ..." and move to the Tenka Reijin description.
Remove edit rash.
[*]Niban no Uta: Mangetsu (二番の歌•満月, Second song: Fullmoon)
Description: This ability Chikyuu is an empowered version of Chikyuu no Nikushimi Zangeki. This ability first violent upturns the earth, and creates a dense cloud of dust that blots out all natural sources of light. Amidst the seemingly never-ending darkness, the user’s reiatsu coalesces in the sky to form a small shimmering light in the far off distance like the memory of moonlight from the story. While under this veil of darkness all sight would be rendered nil for those who could not see in the dark, except the user and those who can see by unnatural means. After darkness has taken a firm hold, a barrage of rock shards bombards any victims in a drawn out volley.
The cloud remains in place and will continue to blot out all light until somehow dispersed, or when the Bankai is sealed.
Does "all natural sources of light" mean only ambient sources from nature? I.e., If the opponent generated a light, would that also be blotted out?
Is the light point visible but casts no light?
It's not just the darkness.
Wouldn't the thick cloud of dust render all sight nil for everyone except by unnatural means (reiatsu, radar, sonar, etc.), or can the user see through the dust by means of the light (reiatsu coalesced and thus not available for sensing)?
What is the affected area and how long does the rock bombardment last? Strength?
Does the cloud remain in a fixed location so that one could move out of it, or does it follow the user?
Can only be used after the blade has resonated twice.
Semi-conflict with conditions under Saigo no Uta, as this wording appears open-ended after twice. Move the general resonance limits to main bankai description and leave the ability limits under the abilities.
Saigo no Uta: Midaare Setsugekka (最後の歌•乱れ雪月花, Final Song: Disturbance of Snow, Moon, and Flowers).
This powerful attack comes in three phases. First, a chilling darkness sweeps over the land, binding self, friend, and foe alike. While blinded by the dark, the user trusts that the blade will see the attack strike true, and swings to initate the second phase.
Or is everyone bound?
A blizzard of steel as cold as winter erupts and flows outward as the user swings their blade. The result is a jarring shift from pitch-blackness to a blinding white, as thousands of Hakaze blade’s saturate the landscape and seek to cut away all in their path. When the blades litter the ground, painting the image of a frozen wasteland, the final phase initiates.
The phantom of the blade arises in full, revealing its faceless figure. It is dressed in the torn attire of a shogun that fought for 10,000 days and 10,000 nights without rest. The phantom hangs its head in sorrow, and turns away in fear of its own power and swings immediately following the up the wielder’s attack. This swing creates a second storm blinding light. However, rather than the snow-like blades of the first swing, this second storm steel as warm as cherry blossom petals in the spring erupts from the phantom blade and flows forward.
Strength? This appears to be directional attacks with an arc of the blades' swing, but "saturate the landscape" sounds omnidirectional. 'Following up the wielder's attack' makes it seem to go in the same direction, but the phantom can see the target. Does the darkness return between the two attacks or is the second light even brighter than the first?
Wording nitpick: "flows" doesn't give a sense of speediness or force.
[*]None of Reijin’s other techniques can be used after the blade resonates a third time.
Reijin or Tenka Reijin? If this applies to the shikai, this should be noted at the end of the shikai write-up after the blade resonance instances.
Denied in current form.
Added in 1 hour 20 minutes 2 seconds:
Akugaranwa Itachi wrote: ↑
Tue Aug 29, 2017 8:01 am
Silverdrake wrote: ↑
Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:52 pm
Akugaranwa Itachi wrote: ↑
Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:37 pm
: If Aoshi employs his Shikai for a certain amount of time, which varies according to the level of use, the formation of clouds in his vicinity stabilizes and every free particles below the black clouds become eventually charged such that he has complete dominion over their polarities allowing him Tenbatsu. This allows him to generate electric energy from thin air, effectively converting the space around him into superior spatial version of his body; an enormous reservoir of electricity that he is one with and governs.
certain amount of time, which varies according to the level of use
Does it shorten with higher use or lower use? What is the minimum charge time?
Don't you have to activate Haven to get the clouds?
converting the space around him into superior spatial version of his body
I don't understand what you mean by this.
Thank you for the link.
It has no specific charge time as the cloud stabilization depends on the level of use in his Shikai and how he uses it, which could range from 3-4post....depends.
No, in Tenbatsu Aoshi becomes the embodiment of lightning as his whole body acts as a tank, container, reservoir of lightning....e.t.c Haven isn't needed in this case and also doesn't require its activation of the clouds as Aoshi can already relate to it and make it his own. This should also answer your last question.
I think the better answer to your question about the superior spatial version of Aoshi's body is that in Tenbatsu my environment becomes my body, so every particle within it is at my absolute control, including me
So this ability also generates the clouds. Say so.
No, you cannot have absolute control over every particle in your environment.
No, you cannot change your body to lightning.
How many shikai abilities does 2nd Division allow, because this would be your fifth.
Akugaranwa Itachi wrote: ↑
Wed Aug 30, 2017 3:19 pm
: This ability converts all of Aoshi's body into a store of massive volume of highly condensed lightning energy that appears constant in a cloaked form on his person, Increasing his manipulation of lightning to vast lengths. A side effect is the even more excited state of his body cells at their most basic level, causing further increased to his innate speed and reflexes
to be awakened in him. With this ability, he can channel and concentrate large of said energy into any part of his body or objects he is in contact with, either for defensive or offensive purposes, and it includes been able to fire off amounts and superior interactions with external electric fields, the conveyance extends to great distances.
Again, NO, you cannot change your body to lightning. This has already been denied multiple times.
No boosts are allowed in shikai. If you bring them up again, your Captain will get a nasty-gram. Stop wasting our time with this.
With extensive re-write and refinement, this MIGHT become acceptable for a bankai ability. It is totally unacceptable for a shikai ability.
Stop trying for "Power overwhelming!" On your current zan, Zeus is acceptable only because it's single-use. Raijin's armor is OP as hell
for shikai. In fact, someone back when got that level denied in no uncertain terms because it is completely asinine. So be grateful that you slipped that one past the reviewer, who apparently didn't actually think
A) that it never takes damage and has to be restored, B) what it actually takes to overcome that level of armor and C) what a ridiculous advantage it gives Aoshi, especially against anyone near his level. Not to mention that Raijin is basically three abilities rolled into one.
I suggest you read what Asano said here
and take his advice.
Instead of cloud/lightning make the element storm. Have the clouds form on the activation of the shikai and be the basis for all the other abilities.
Ability 1: Aoshi could have heightened senses for anything under the clouds.
Ability 2: Rewrite Haven to charge the area so that Aoshi could create lightning from any affected surface.
Ability 3: He could draw lightning from the clouds to form armor (at a reasonable level) and restore it after it's been damaged by an attack.
Ability 4: Then after 5 posts, Zeus! BOOM!
That would be a cohesive and non-OP shikai with plenty of versatility and room for expansion to bankai. As Asano said, what you have right now is a mess.