[7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

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konami31
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[7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#1

Post by konami31 » Tue Apr 11, 2017 9:36 pm

This an area where you can submit finished spars for a bit of critical review. Posting here is not required, though it'll be a valuable key in for improving RP ability.

Registration Format:
  • Name of those involved:
  • Seat of those involved:
  • Division of those involved:
  • Link to spar:
Grading will be based on RP performance on a letter scale from S-F:
  • S: Superior performance. Posts have excellent length and amount of detail and are clearly well thought out. Post also show superior knowledge of the techniques and abilities available and each are used with expert efficiency. Truly an example of going above and beyond. Overall a spar with very, very few flaws.
    Reward for Grade:
  • A: An example of top tier RP. Posts are of great length and detail. Proof that one knows what they are doing. Overall a spar with mistakes here and there, but nothing critical.
    Reward for Grade:
  • B: A performance among the finer levels of RP. Above average in all fields earns this grade. A level of RP for the truly skilled, though there is room for improvement. Overall a solid performance with mistakes every now and then, some minor, and possibly very few that are a bit more serious, but nothing too troubling.
    Reward for Grade:
  • C: An all around average performance. Nothing of Legendary status, but still decent work. An example of great potential and improving skill, but still there is much to work on. Overall all a decent performance, OK in both quality and detail. Some major mistakes here and there, and possibly a little GM, but nothing too drastic.
    Reward for Grade:
  • D: Definitely a clear sign that things need to be refined. Little to no detail, and posts are short. Overall a performance with a number of obvious mistakes, and clearly shows that a bit of help is needed. GM'ing is apparent in several post here.
    Reward for Grade:
  • F: One and only true failing grade, where performance is in need of drastic improvements. Detail is or almost non-existent, and posts are borderline spam. GM'ing is frequent and over the top. Overall a performance that clearly shows that a lot of help is needed.
    No reward for this Grade
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Re: [7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#2

Post by konami31 » Wed Apr 12, 2017 1:20 am

Name of those involved: Yuan Wuji and and a spiritual being of soul society

Seat of those involved:5th seat

Division of those involved: 7th division only

Link to spar: viewtopic.php?f=113&t=226
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Vladkre33
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Re: [7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#3

Post by Vladkre33 » Fri Apr 14, 2017 3:02 pm

Review

Konami.

I'll be doing this review and I'm going to be honest. This was bad...very bad. Bordering on an F grade, but Rayon and I discussed it and it was not a failing mission.

I'm going to gloss over some grammar section's that bother me. These did not lower your grade, but they are things I'd like you to keep in mind.

"The streets were still paved, but had been slightly blanketed by lots of sand, dried shrubs and leaves."

The slightly is not needed in this as it contradicts the blanketed nature of your description.

"The Dustless Priest would like to test your swordsmanship, I've long heard about your famous Wudang Nine Sword and its complex variations. I just can't agree that it can beat my 72 Polar Swaying Sword Techniques..... Wait for me at the abandoned Ghost town. I will arrive to give you a match you may never forget for eons."

"Dustless Priest-Hachimoto"


Okay this is going to be my first complaint. While this is more of a nitpicky grammar thing, this note feels so forced and unlike the character you're trying to establish. It makes him sound flippant and not the respected old swordsman you're creating.


The secret truth about it is that; the Wudang Nine Sword Art is a technique that turns more powerful when the opponent is a strong fighter. If it's not then the brilliant sword art would be inapplicable when used in combat

The way you've worded this is a big problem Konami. You're essentially saying you can match any opponent because you're sword style is so incredibly broken.

Is it more like Tai Chi or Akido where you're simply redirecting their own strength against them? If not and this is simply an excuse to close gaps you shouldby be able to, then it needs to be changed.

After several moves, Hachimoto couldn't stand it anymore so he increased the speed of his sword. Wuji concentrated his mind to keep up by repelling every sword slashes and strokes that comes his way. After fighting for several dozen moves, Hachimoto's changes became complicated. Wuji knew clearly that things might get messy if he's not careful, without wasting much time it didn't took long for the right words to escape from his lips.


How exactly did his sword strikes become complicated? Why did he need to speed up his sword strikes. These details are important, otherwise the action comes across as extremely vague and nebulous. When you're writing a scene like this it helps the reader understand what you're trying to convey if you address things as clearly as possible. Who, what, where, why, and how are critical in creating an understanding of what's happening.



As expected, Wuji could feel his strength, speed, perceptions and senses all heightened extraordinary than normal. Yuan Wuji concentrated fully on the fight and he was gradually enlightened. His eyes were now only looking at the point of his opponent's sword.
With Wudang Nine Swords, the stronger the enemy was the more powerful it became. During his days in the Jianghu (martial art world) Wuji fought with Monk Hua Wuque whose, sword art was one of the highest quality which was very rare at that time. But no matter how Monk Hua Wuque's sword rose, shifted, and changed, Wuji's Wudang Nine Sword
adapted reactively against his moves. Whether it was attacking or defending, he countered each move successfully without any flaw.


This has...numerous numerous flaws. Not only did you release for a weaker foe who hadn't even managed to hit you once. You play up how.unbeatable of swordsman Yuan is with no real reason why. Why is this "Wudang " so amazing? Why does it adapt? Is it simply so you don't have to ever lose a sword battle? More so, how exactly is this accomplished? Keep in mind that doing anything "perfectly" easily falls into GM.

This is going to cause GM problems down the line and we need to have a frank discussion about your combat goals.


Even though Hachimoto’s 72 Polar Swaying Sword Art was weird and wonderful, by sheer perception alone Wuji was able to ascertain that the white haired Hachimoto had not learnt the style for very long and he was not as good as he had expected him to be; which means that Hachimoto is an expert swordsman. Wuji had studied his Wudang Nine Sword for quite a long time now ever since he retired from the Jianghu. Compared to Monk Hua Wuque's swordplay, Hachimoto was not that great in the art.

This is a distinct narrative problem. You've now inserted a character superior to your current opponent, that you've beaten with ease. Why should I continue to read this? What as a reader pushes me to see the now inevitable conclusion. I understand your trying to pepper in history of Yuan, but it's working against you. It would serve you better in this situation to have a progressive series of flashbacks about the struggle against Hua, and have it run alongside the current fight.

Also, you distinctly write that the Wudang sword style is better against a superior foe, yet you turn around and fight someone weaker where said advantage sholder be applicable.

Why doesn't Yuan fund this out sooner? Even without the perception boost of his zan, he's been a master swordsman for a considerable amount of time and should be able to recognize the competency of a foe.

Wuji's mind was moved as he suddenly saw a flaw in his opponent's sword art. The most important aspect of the Wudang Nine Sword Art was to see the weakness in the opponent's martial art techniques. No matter whether it was bare hand, kicks, sabers, or swords, every move must have a weakness.

I was under the impression the most important aspect was that it was better against a more skilled fighter? So which is it? Also, how is this accomplished within the sword art? Or is the enhanced perception given to you by your zan? Things like this are important.

But the Wudang Nine Swords that Wuji learned as a master had no set of moves to speak of, so it was natural for him to follow the movements of his opponent. If the enemy only had one move, then he would only have one move. If the enemy had a thousand moves then he would also have a thousand moves.

I feel a distinct amount of BS from this. Your touting this sword style as something he's trained for a long time. Yet it's simply copying his opponent to make sure Yuan is better swordsman than anyone he ever fights. That's an extremely lazy way to counter other swordsmen.

Morever, simply copying the movements of a swordsman doesn't instantaneously make you better than them at their own art. And why wouldn't they notice this during combat with Yuan? You're extremely vague as to how you counter their style while you're "learning" it.



So seeing Hachimoto using a repeated sword move again, Wuji immediately sent his sword out and stabbed it at his opponent's right armpit. The spot that this slanting sword was stabbing at was the weakness of Hachimoto's next move. This was really anticipating what the enemy was going to do and it made Hachimoto really anxious. Though the move by Hachimoto was extremely quick, but Wuji's attack was done earlier and was much faster in terms of speed. The move from the Polar Swaying Sword Art had not changed yet, but Wuji had already thrust his long sword at Hachimoto's armpit making him unable to block or dodge. Hachimoto cried out sharply, sounding surprised, angry, and desperate as blood seeped from the injured part of his armpit. Yuan Wuji's sword had already arrived at his opponent's armpit, but when he heard Hachimoto's sharp cry, he
immediately thought, "I'm going too far, it's just a friendly spar and not a death match, how can I injure him?". Wuji quickly pulled his sword back and said, "The winner and loser have been decided. Let's call it a day, and then we'll go our own ways!”


This....is odd Konami. The way you've written this is that Konami simply humored Hachimoto, then beat him in a single blow. You're clearly stronger and faster than Hachimoto, so this was never a question of victory. But you didn't really do anything with the narrative.

The ending itself falls flat even from the choice of finishing move. What did Yuan or Hachimoto gain from this experience? Why did Yuan struggle at all of he's so superior? Why did Hachimoto bother challenging someone he apparently didn't study? So many thing's left to the reader to figure out and no incentive to do so.

It essentially consisted of Yuan thinking of some awesome swordsman master he trolled and beat while he beat down someone weaker than said master. I don't exactly see the point. I would consider this a D.

Also, I will be making a Zan Review thread soon and expect to see you post there so we can adress some of the issues this mission made apparent.
"An Immovable Wall of Flesh, ever rising, until the end."

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Re: [7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#4

Post by konami31 » Fri May 05, 2017 7:26 am

Name of those involved: Wuji and Aoshi
Seat of those involved: 16th seat & Vice captain
Division of those involved: 7th division and 2nd division
Link to spar:viewtopic.php?f=113&t=244
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Re: [7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#5

Post by Phantom-T » Tue Jun 20, 2017 11:06 pm

Name of those involved: Aoshi and Seijuro
Seat of those involved: Vice captain & NPC (vice captain/ higher officer class)
Division of those involved: 2nd division & None
Link to spar: viewtopic.php?f=112&t=246
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Re: [7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#6

Post by konami31 » Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:36 pm

Name of those involve: Wuji and Aegis
seat of those involve: 16th seat and 5th seat
Division of those involve: 7th and 2nd division
link to spar: viewtopic.php?f=113&t=260&sid=baddb1c0d ... 2153efff1e
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Re: [7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#7

Post by Phantom-T » Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:48 am

Name of those involved: Diego
Seat of those involved: Adjuchas
Division of those involved: Legions of Hueco mundo
Link to spar:viewtopic.php?f=141&t=233
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Re: [7th Division] Spar and Mission Review

#8

Post by Kira-duh-savage » Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:25 am

Name of those involved: Seraph Kirara and Vladkre

Seat of those involved: 9th seat and Vice captain respectively.

Division of those involved: The Seventh.

Link to spar: viewtopic.php?f=113&t=240

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