I'll be doing this review and I'm going to be honest. This was bad...very bad. Bordering on an F grade, but Rayon and I discussed it and it was not a failing mission.
I'm going to gloss over some grammar section's that bother me. These did not lower your grade, but they are things I'd like you to keep in mind.
"The streets were still paved, but had been slightly blanketed by lots of sand, dried shrubs and leaves."
The slightly is not needed in this as it contradicts the blanketed nature of your description.
"The Dustless Priest would like to test your swordsmanship, I've long heard about your famous Wudang Nine Sword and its complex variations. I just can't agree that it can beat my 72 Polar Swaying Sword Techniques..... Wait for me at the abandoned Ghost town. I will arrive to give you a match you may never forget for eons."
Okay this is going to be my first complaint. While this is more of a nitpicky grammar thing, this note feels so forced and unlike the character you're trying to establish. It makes him sound flippant and not the respected old swordsman you're creating.
The secret truth about it is that; the Wudang Nine Sword Art is a technique that turns more powerful when the opponent is a strong fighter. If it's not then the brilliant sword art would be inapplicable when used in combat
The way you've worded this is a big problem Konami. You're essentially saying you can match any opponent because you're sword style is so incredibly broken.
Is it more like Tai Chi or Akido where you're simply redirecting their own strength against them? If not and this is simply an excuse to close gaps you shouldby be able to, then it needs to be changed.
After several moves, Hachimoto couldn't stand it anymore so he increased the speed of his sword. Wuji concentrated his mind to keep up by repelling every sword slashes and strokes that comes his way. After fighting for several dozen moves, Hachimoto's changes became complicated. Wuji knew clearly that things might get messy if he's not careful, without wasting much time it didn't took long for the right words to escape from his lips.
How exactly did his sword strikes become complicated? Why did he need to speed up his sword strikes. These details are important, otherwise the action comes across as extremely vague and nebulous. When you're writing a scene like this it helps the reader understand what you're trying to convey if you address things as clearly as possible. Who, what, where, why, and how are critical in creating an understanding of what's happening.
As expected, Wuji could feel his strength, speed, perceptions and senses all heightened extraordinary than normal. Yuan Wuji concentrated fully on the fight and he was gradually enlightened. His eyes were now only looking at the point of his opponent's sword.
With Wudang Nine Swords, the stronger the enemy was the more powerful it became. During his days in the Jianghu (martial art world) Wuji fought with Monk Hua Wuque whose, sword art was one of the highest quality which was very rare at that time. But no matter how Monk Hua Wuque's sword rose, shifted, and changed, Wuji's Wudang Nine Sword
adapted reactively against his moves. Whether it was attacking or defending, he countered each move successfully without any flaw.
This has...numerous numerous flaws. Not only did you release for a weaker foe who hadn't even managed to hit you once. You play up how.unbeatable of swordsman Yuan is with no real reason why. Why is this "Wudang " so amazing? Why does it adapt? Is it simply so you don't have to ever lose a sword battle? More so, how exactly is this accomplished? Keep in mind that doing anything "perfectly" easily falls into GM.
This is going to cause GM problems down the line and we need to have a frank discussion about your combat goals.
Even though Hachimoto’s 72 Polar Swaying Sword Art was weird and wonderful, by sheer perception alone Wuji was able to ascertain that the white haired Hachimoto had not learnt the style for very long and he was not as good as he had expected him to be; which means that Hachimoto is an expert swordsman. Wuji had studied his Wudang Nine Sword for quite a long time now ever since he retired from the Jianghu. Compared to Monk Hua Wuque's swordplay, Hachimoto was not that great in the art.
This is a distinct narrative problem. You've now inserted a character superior to your current opponent, that you've beaten with ease. Why should I continue to read this? What as a reader pushes me to see the now inevitable conclusion. I understand your trying to pepper in history of Yuan, but it's working against you. It would serve you better in this situation to have a progressive series of flashbacks about the struggle against Hua, and have it run alongside the current fight.
Also, you distinctly write that the Wudang sword style is better against a superior foe, yet you turn around and fight someone weaker where said advantage sholder be applicable.
Why doesn't Yuan fund this out sooner? Even without the perception boost of his zan, he's been a master swordsman for a considerable amount of time and should be able to recognize the competency of a foe.
Wuji's mind was moved as he suddenly saw a flaw in his opponent's sword art. The most important aspect of the Wudang Nine Sword Art was to see the weakness in the opponent's martial art techniques. No matter whether it was bare hand, kicks, sabers, or swords, every move must have a weakness.
I was under the impression the most important aspect was that it was better against a more skilled fighter? So which is it? Also, how is this accomplished within the sword art? Or is the enhanced perception given to you by your zan? Things like this are important.
But the Wudang Nine Swords that Wuji learned as a master had no set of moves to speak of, so it was natural for him to follow the movements of his opponent. If the enemy only had one move, then he would only have one move. If the enemy had a thousand moves then he would also have a thousand moves.
I feel a distinct amount of BS from this. Your touting this sword style as something he's trained for a long time. Yet it's simply copying his opponent to make sure Yuan is better swordsman than anyone he ever fights. That's an extremely lazy way to counter other swordsmen.
Morever, simply copying the movements of a swordsman doesn't instantaneously make you better than them at their own art. And why wouldn't they notice this during combat with Yuan? You're extremely vague as to how you counter their style while you're "learning" it.
So seeing Hachimoto using a repeated sword move again, Wuji immediately sent his sword out and stabbed it at his opponent's right armpit. The spot that this slanting sword was stabbing at was the weakness of Hachimoto's next move. This was really anticipating what the enemy was going to do and it made Hachimoto really anxious. Though the move by Hachimoto was extremely quick, but Wuji's attack was done earlier and was much faster in terms of speed. The move from the Polar Swaying Sword Art had not changed yet, but Wuji had already thrust his long sword at Hachimoto's armpit making him unable to block or dodge. Hachimoto cried out sharply, sounding surprised, angry, and desperate as blood seeped from the injured part of his armpit. Yuan Wuji's sword had already arrived at his opponent's armpit, but when he heard Hachimoto's sharp cry, he
immediately thought, "I'm going too far, it's just a friendly spar and not a death match, how can I injure him?". Wuji quickly pulled his sword back and said, "The winner and loser have been decided. Let's call it a day, and then we'll go our own ways!”
This....is odd Konami. The way you've written this is that Konami simply humored Hachimoto, then beat him in a single blow. You're clearly stronger and faster than Hachimoto, so this was never a question of victory. But you didn't really do anything with the narrative.
The ending itself falls flat even from the choice of finishing move. What did Yuan or Hachimoto gain from this experience? Why did Yuan struggle at all of he's so superior? Why did Hachimoto bother challenging someone he apparently didn't study? So many thing's left to the reader to figure out and no incentive to do so.
It essentially consisted of Yuan thinking of some awesome swordsman master he trolled and beat while he beat down someone weaker than said master. I don't exactly see the point. I would consider this a D.
Also, I will be making a Zan Review thread soon and expect to see you post there so we can adress some of the issues this mission made apparent.
"An Immovable Wall of Flesh, ever rising, until the end."